We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
