I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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