1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
