youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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