please come you make the beer taste better
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
