look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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