I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
