So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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