I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
