We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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