i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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