ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
