My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
