Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
