Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
