I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
