I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
