theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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