dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
