Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
