I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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