Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
