Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
