my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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