I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Randomize
