Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
