Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
