This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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