if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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