Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
