Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
