Screwed.edu
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
