god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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