Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
