He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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