u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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