guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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