I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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