I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
