I'm lost and stupid without you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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