Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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