Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
did i just pee glitter
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
