Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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