he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
