I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
