I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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