The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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