i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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