You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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