omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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