I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
