I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
