Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
