alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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