Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
