So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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